Hipster (Anti)Nation 1.0



The Cutter

 

The Madison



As I sat on the davenport tonight relaxing after a long, hard day of work, I reached out and grabbed the nearest periodical for a quick read before dinner.  That reading material just happened to be Kristina's latest issue of Women's Health Magazine.  After flipping through a couple of pages, my fingers stopped on a section entitled "2010 Holiday Hot List - For Sister".  I stopped, not because I needed a gift idea for my sister Anne, but because of one particular "hot" item on the list.  The Schwinn Cutter for $379, described as a "Carbon footprint reducer, muscle toner, and fashion statement all in one".  It sparked my interest, solely because the bicycle just absolutely screamed hipster scene and was being marketed to the masses (did you realize that Walmart now sells a fixie... scary!).  I couldn't believe anyone could actually recommend this bicycle as a gift... for not just a sister, but anyone.  I did some quick interweb research on this ride at schwinnbikes.com.  To my jaw dropping amazement, Schwinn has an entire line of bikes built for the hipster crowd, all part of their "Urban" line of bicycles...  makes me want to puke!!!  I remember the good old days when Schwinn used to make some classy old rides like the Stingray, the Fiesta, and the Collegiate, all available in what I would call "basic colors", not these pu*sy pastels that hipsters prefer.  These "Urban" bikes are just too much.  Although I still enjoy collecting classic Schwinns, they may have just made "the list" because they are aiding in the advancement of skinny jean wearing, walk your bike and try to look cool hipster mofos.  If you ever see me on one of these bikes, do me a favor and kick my ass.  As always, I love bicycles, but these fixie assholes bother me.

  

Don't Be That Guy
(Pic poached from "TheThrill of Riding" blog, but I don't think he'll mind, as long as I'm pickin' on hipsters)

My $0.02

I recently read a post on drunkcyclist.com regarding fixed gear bikes that got me thinking.  And as I sat at a stop light on my way to work one morning, I watched a track stand being performed in front of me by some punk in skin tight black jeans on a fixie, obviously showing off for whoever was around... and I started thinking even more.  And so, I've basically come to the conclusion that I really don't care for the whole hipster, fixie movement that presents cycling in a bad context (at least in my mind).  For all you bike messengers on fixed gear bikes keepin' it real:  you're cool.  For all you hipster, poser, punk mutha fu*#^rs on fixed gear bikes:  you annoy the shit out of me.  As an avid cyclist myself, I normally wouldn't bash on cycling in any form; but I guess I just don't understand the attraction.  For one, I really enjoy having brakes and being able to stop on a dime, especially in traffic.  Two, I don't remember the last time a saw one of you dumbasses with a helmet on...  your little bike hat isn't gonna save your dome in an accident.  Three, I'm definitely not into the pastel, fashion show color schemes most often found on these bikes.  Four, the only time your not pissing me off is when your walking your bike (which happens a lot because you just want to be seen)... and I'm usually laughing at you.  And finally, I support all forms of cycling that gives the sport a good name; it's hard enough to stay in good standing with vehicular traffic without you hipsters weaving in and out of traffic like a bunch of assho*es.  I suppose all forms of cycling should be celebrated, but it just bugs me that fixies have become such a "scene".  When I think about all the reasons why I ride a bike, "because I want to look cool" never even makes the list.  I think I'd be less inclined to be so negative about fixies if these posers decided to learn how to ride like this:

One gear No idea from chris akrigg on Vimeo.

P.S.  I'll post some local pictures of Flagstaff Fixie Poser Punks when I get a few more minutes.